Disposed
by ThatLastTear
Summary: After her brother leaving, Rin is completely beside herself in anguish. Len had to leave, for what Miku says, is for Rin's protection.He's not coming back and anxiety is building.Why did Len have to leave?How would it protect her when it's destroying her?


Even though it's been a month since Len left, I'm still not used to sleeping alone.

More often times than not, I am jolted awake in the middle of the night to find myself screaming at the top of my lungs, and sweating and crying. I can only assume that they're nightmares because I can never remember them afterwards no matter how hard I tried. All I know is that I get so terrified and even though Miku comes in to comfort me, I can never calm down and go back to sleep. Before, just feeling my brother shifting, and his warmth, and hearing his breathing was enough to put me at ease when I was feeling unsettled.

I don't really understand why Len left, but he must've had a good reason. To leave everyone. I mean… and me. I remember screaming at him not to go, because no matter how much I wanted to, I knew I couldn't go with him, and I knew he wasn't coming back home again. Miku and Meiko had to hold me back, or else I would've chased after him, and the moment I couldn't see him anymore, I broke down. I was screaming, and crying, and sobbing hysterically, unable to control myself. I felt so helpless, and lost, and alone. I had never known life without my brother. I mean, he's part of who I am. Loneliness was like a stranger to me, and I never knew it could hurt so badly. If I did, I probably would've fought harder against Miku and Meiko to stop Len from going.

There's also the feeling of guilt as well. Somehow, I feel like this is all my fault, and I'm the reason that he left. It is true that we fought a lot, but I didn't think our arguments ever mattered after we made up. They were pretty stupid most of the time. But maybe they were too much for him to handle? He always hated fighting, but what bugs me the most is that, he never told me why he left and instead told everyone else. Miku knows, Meiko knows, Kaito knows… Why couldn't he trust me? I may not be the best, but I'm his sister god dammit and I deserve to know just as much as they do! Maybe even more because we loved each other more than anything.

I had been lying on the front steps weeping for well over half an hour until Meiko and Miku hauled me inside to sit down on the couch. They tried desperately to get me to stop crying by offering me oranges and orange juice, but of course, I didn't want them and continued to bawl, begging for Len. They were real nice to me though. I could tell they felt awful bad, but honestly, I didn't care at the time. I just wanted my brother to come back. Ten minutes of this attempted comfort passed when my stomach gave a violent jump and I had to make a mad dash for the bathroom where I was violently sick. I was in there for at least three hours, sobbing and screaming at anyone who knocked on the door, asking if I was all right, to go away.

I didn't even notice when Miku came in until I saw a figure out of the corner of my eye while vomiting and snapped my head up in surprise. For some reason, I felt guilty when I saw her standing there, just watching, and she looked angry. I didn't understand why, I felt like a child who had been caught misbehaving and only stared at her in shock… until I noticed she was crying. I gasped, eyes wide, and turned away from the toilet in a daze, wondering why she looked so troubled. She didn't seem too sad when Len was walking away. Maybe she only pitied me.

As I gaped at her in alarm, she began to walk toward me, and once at arm's length, she began to extend a hand to me, but hesitated and pulled back. I just sat there watching her, stunned. Miku again reached out a hand and continued forward until it touched my cheek. It was then that I realized that her expression wasn't of anger, but of restrained sorrow. She was only trying to hold back her tears. This recognition didn't really register until she dropped down to her knees and hugged me tightly. I could feel her body trembling and convulsing, and could hear her sobs as her head rested on my shoulder.

I could feel more tears smoldering behind my eyes as I lifted up my arms and embraced her as well. I struggled to keep from crying again, but I couldn't hold it back. I had no self-control anymore. Len had taken that away with him as well as the rest of me. A choked sob escaped inevitably and I let out a loud scream, squeezing Miku firmly as she rocked me forward and backward, stroking my hair gently. "Sh…" I could hear her cooing through my loud crying. "I know… I know… It'll all be okay…"

I tried my best to stop crying. I really did, but no matter how much I tried to contain myself, I could only persist wailing. I felt her pushing me away a little bit, her hands on my upper arms, and, though still crying, I opened my eyes and looked at her. "Listen to me." She ordered, stern and demanding. ""You need to calm down. We'll get through this together." The tone of her voice matched her expression, however, tears were still streaming down her wet cheeks. That made me feel like I was in trouble because I couldn't stop myself, which only mad me cry harder, the exact opposite of what she wanted. "I'm sorry, Miku!" I howled and leaned into her chest. I could feel her petting my head.

"Don't apologize." She told me in a soft tone as I continued to bawl. "I'm not angry. You're just so upset that you're making yourself sick…" It was true. At that time, that really was the reason why I was so sick. I was crying too much which made me throw up and feel nauseous even after I eventually calmed down. However, I'm sick almost every night, even if I'm not crying at the time. It only takes the mentioning of Len's name to make my stomach churn. I'm finding it very surprising that I'm able to write this much about him without feeling sick. "That's why you need to calm down. That's all." Miku continued in a soothing voice and I felt her head rest on mine. "You'll be just fine, even without your brother. You just need to get used to life without him."

Immediately, I felt my cheeks blazing with rage and the knot in my stomach grew tighter. I shoved her away and shot up in a fury, balling my fists and bearing my teeth. "That might be an easy thing for you to do, Miku, but he was my _brother_!" I shrieked at her. "He wasn't as important to you as he was to me! … You coldhearted-" I had to stop myself from saying something I might regret later. "You just don't understand what it's like to lose someone who's the only thing you've got!" And, unable to stand a second more of Miku, I bolted from the bathroom, sobbing, and straight to my room, slamming the door behind me.

I crawled into bed without bothering to turn on the light, and pulled the blankets up to my chin. I knew Miku was right. I knew that sooner or later, I'd have to just get over the fact that Len wasn't going to be there with me anymore. It still hurt though. When you grow up with someone who's your only real family, and you love that person more than you could ever describe, you don't just get used to the fact that they're gone forever over night. Len was more than just a brother to me. He was the kind of guy that would really listen to you, listen and care about what you were saying. I guess that's what makes it so hard on me.

I turned my head into my pillow, trembling uncontrollably, To be honest, I was terrified, and shocked, and angry, and the saddest I've ever been all at the same time, and if you don't think that takes a toll on you, you're just plain dumb. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally, and my stomach muscles were sore from throwing up so much. My throat hurt pretty badly too. I spent hours coughing because of it, and not just a dry, weak cough; it was this wet, congested, deep cough: the kind where you're coughing up these chunks of phlegm and mucus. I was miserable, and lonely, and felt extremely gray.

I didn't even realize that I had fallen asleep until I was violently awakened by Miku shaking me. I was surprised to find myself sweating and panting heavily. I felt disoriented and dizzy, and very confused. I didn't understand what had happened or why I was so scared. I only looked at Miku with wide eyes, which were still tearing, She looked just as scared as I felt, and she seemed pretty worried about me. "Are you all right?" She asked frantically and I could hear the panic in her voice. Was I okay? I pondered the question for a moment. I wasn't in pain anymore, and the nausea had subsided. I felt okay, but I was so perplexed as to why I was so hysterical.

"I-I'm okay." I stuttered, hardly able to speak. There was a lump in my throat and my voice was hoarse. I swallowed hard, still panting and short of breath. Miku sighed and pulled me up into a hug. "God… You were screaming bloody murder. Was it a nightmare?" A nightmare? Screaming? I couldn't remember. All that I knew was that I was scared for no apparent reason. "I d-don't know." I choked out, and was suddenly wondering why Miku came in to help me. Why didn't Len wake up? I looked over to his side of the bed and was utterly disappointed to find that he wasn't there, nor did it look like anyone had been lying there since the night before.

"Where's Len?" I asked Miku, returning my gaze to her. She gave me a startled look and her eyebrows creased even more. Her eyes welled up and it looked as if she were about to start bawling. "Oh, Rin…" She let out a quivering breath and withdrew a little. "Len went away…" Away? That's impossible. I saw him earlier that same day. "What? No he didn't." I contradicted. 'Len isn't gone.' I told myself. 'I'll wake up in the morning and Len will be sleeping next to me.' I believed it too. I made myself believe that Len was still there and that Miku was a cold-blooded mean liar. "Len didn't go anywhere. He's still here… He's still here…"

Miku looked absolutely shocked for some reason that I couldn't understand. "Are you serious?" She half sobbed. "Rin, you…don't remember? He left this morning… You got so upset, you made yourself sick…" I was _really_ starting to get annoyed with her. She was continuing to lie to me when I _knew _that Len didn't leave. He would _never _do that. Miku doesn't know him like she things she does, but I for one know he wouldn't leave me. _Not ever_. And what was she talking about making myself sick? Clearly, she must be delusional. "No I didn't. I got sick because I ate too many oranges and started crying because I threw up. Not the other way around. You don't know _anything._ Len would never leave me. _Never_. So, why are you trying to lie? What's the thinking behind it? Are you just doing it to piss me off? Is that it? A joke?"

"You think this is a…joke?" Miku gave me a pleading look with glassy eyes, and more tears fell onto the blanket. "I'm not joking, Rin. I wouldn't lie to you-" Another lie. "-Len left…uh…for your safety. To protect you…" For my safety? Why wouldn't I be safe with Len around? That was when I felt most secure. I was getting more confused by the second. "Protect me? From what?" Miku turned her head, as if unable to look me in the eyes anymore. She tried to speak as she desperately searched for words. Finally, after a considerable pause, she said, "I wish I could tell you, Rin…" in a pathetic voice. "But it's not for me to tell… I'm sorry."

"Get out!" I yelled at her. She was really starting to make me angry. "But, Rin…" She said in a desperate tone and reached out a hand to tough my arm, but I smacked her hand away. "Don't touch me…" I commanded, moving back a bit. I started to get dizzy again. There was too much. Too much to take in. Too many emotions. "Just get out and leave me alone." I pointed to the door as steadily as I could manage, but I knew I was still trembling violently. "Get out!" I repeated, growling in anger when Miku made no motion to get up. "Get outta my face! I don't want you in here!"

The next morning, I was aimlessly wandering through the house, walking in and out of every single room, searching for Len. I knew he didn't leave. I just couldn't find him. He was there somewhere. He just had to be. I continued my desperate search for at least an hour and with no progress, I began to panic. My breath was coming in short gasps, I was sweating, and my pace was quick and brisk. 'Where's Len?' The question was echoing in my head. 'Where did he go? Why can't I find him? Len… Where are you?'

I stopped dead as a familiar figure caught my eye, and I turned swiftly, eyes wide open. I took a minute to observe the person I was seeing. He was about my age, blond, had an outfit that matched mine, blue eyes, a gentle, loving smile, and I knew who it was immediately and gasped, my mouth open in a wide smile. "Len!" I called and began to hurry towards him down the hall. "Len, you scared me half to death! Last night, Miku told me you left, and I couldn't find you!, but I knew you wouldn't leave! I knew it! You could never leave me!"

Len just stood there, smiling and waving at me. I could feel my legs and my chest burning as Len got closer. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to see him there. I wanted nothing more than to embrace him and feel his chest rising and falling as he breathed. I barely noticed as hot tears ran down my cheeks and continued onward, reaching out a hand to Len, however, his expression suddenly changed. Noticing this, I came to a gradual halt, halfway to him. He was rather pale and haggard, and he displayed a mixed expression of sadness and anger.

"Len…? What is it? What's wrong?" I asked, looking at him in deep concern. Something was bothering him, and it takes a lot to make him upset. I scarcely ever see him sad, and hardly ever see him cry, but for some reason, there were tears lining his eyes. I took another step forward, but then he suddenly screamed, "Stay there!" I stopped immediately, giving him a confused and worried look. I wanted to make it better. Len is my brother and it makes me sad when he's upset. Twins often have a very close relationship and on may even sense when the other is in distress. That's how I felt then. I knew something was gravely wrong, "I wanna help, Len… I wanna know why you're crying… I can help you sort-"

"There's nothing you can do to help!" He bellowed at me, stomping his foot and casting his arm to the side. I stood there, shocked and completely taken aback. Nothing I could do? For my brother? Surely I could do something. Something to make him feel better. He needed someone to be there fore him. Someone that understands him, and who better than his twin sister? I know him better than anyone. I was about to speak again, but Len stopped me short. "Do me a favor Rin…" His voice was very weak and shaky. "…And forget I ever existed."

What? What was he talking about? Forget he existed? I couldn't do that. Not ever. So, why was he asking me to forget about him? I smiled nervously. "W-what? Len, what are you talking about? You're not going away, are you?" I asked, filled with a sudden dread. He didn't answer and turned his head to conceal his tears. "Are you?" I repeated loudly, taking another pace forward. "Len, you can't be thinking of leaving! Len, why? You know I could never forget you! You can't ask me to do that! Len, just tell me what's bothering you! I wanna help you…"

Len shook his head and turned to go down the hall to his left, looking down sadly. "Wait!" I called as he began walking away and immediately started towards him again. "Len, don't! I'm sorry! If it's me, I didn't mean to upset you! Just let me help you!" I was screaming by then. I didn't want Len to leave! I didn't want to forget him! Why wasn't he letting me help? He's always confided in me before! Why did he feel like he couldn't trust me now?

As I was approaching him, the strangest thing happened. It seemed as though Len, who had once been standing in front of me, evaporated into nothingness right before my eyes. I stopped at once and let out a gasp. "Len…?" I called in a small voice and released a sob. It suddenly occurred to me that Len was gone, and that Miku hadn't light the night before. I was coming out of my delusion, no matter how much I didn't want to. I didn't even look around for him. I knew he hadn't really been there in the first place, and that I had only seen him because that's what I wanted.

I crumpled to the floor, crying softly, and pulled my knees up to my chest. I had been so happy when I saw him, and to have that just taken away doesn't feel good. It left me with an empty feeling. Like someone had just torn me in two. A few moments of quiet sobbing passed before I couldn't hold back anymore and began to wail and scream. There was the immediate sound of footsteps coming down the hallway towards me and suddenly I was surrounded by several of my housemates. Kaito was the first one I saw. He was knelt down on the floor with, Luka, Meiko, Miku, and Neru. I pulled myself up onto his legs and buried my face in his lap, crying hard. "Kaito…" I moaned as he stroked my head soothingly. "Len's really gone… And he's not coming back."

It was then that I started to feel sick. My head started to hurt, my stomach started to feel nauseous, and I felt groggy. Nevertheless, I persisted crying into Kaito's lap. "It's all right, Rin… I'm sorry." I could hear him whispering as he played with my hair, and my stomach made a sudden upward motion. Quickly, I pushed away from him and began to stagger down the hall. However only halfway to the restroom, I got extremely dizzy and fell onto my knees. I didn't even have a chance to even get up before I vomited on the floor. I knew everyone was watching, and I didn't care. Len was the only thing on my mind.

Someone's hand touched my back and the scent of Miku's sweet perfume filled my nose. "It's okay, Rin. You're all right." She sounded as if she was crying too, and I weakly turned my head to look at her, and as I expected, there were tears in here eyes. Seeing this, my stomach gave another violent jolt and I became violently sick on the floor. Coughing as I gasped between retches. Miku was rubbing my back and moved my hair away from my face. "Can we get a container or something over here?" I could hear her call to the others and I heard Kaito agree and hurry off down the hall.

"You all right, honey?" It was Luka's voice that asked the question and I nodded feebly, panting heavily. I couldn't speak. My throat was burning, my stomach was sloshing, and my head was pounding. I felt so miserable, and so helpless. I let out a groan and turned my head to look at the others, but found it extremely difficult to focus my eyes. The room was spinning around me, and splotches of faces and visions of Len were swirling into a foggy haze that seemed to suddenly fill the room. It whirled into a mass of colors, and I felt myself swaying. I was finding it exceedingly difficult to keep my eyes open and maintain my balance. "M-Miku…" My voice sounded strange, even to me. "My head…"

"What is it, Rin?" Miku sounded worried, but I was too disoriented and lightheaded to answer. "Rin?… Rin! Rin, what-" I couldn't make out the last part as her voice faded into an ominous echo. My arms were becoming weaker and were shaking with the exertion of keeping me from falling over. I was short of breath and my vision was getting blurrier. The last thing I can remember from that moment was looking up to gaze at Miku and saw that she appeared very scared, and after that, everything fell into a peaceful darkness.

When I woke up again, it was dark. It was awfully quiet too. Way too quiet. I mean, our house isn't just naturally quiet. With all of the vocaloids living here, you can usually hear the radio blasting, or someone singing karaoke, or people wrestling and knocking over lamps and tripping over the coffee table and yelling at each other. Something was wrong, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. Something had happened… I couldn't remember what, but I felt sick. I blinked, bewildered, at Miku, who was sitting on the edge of my bed watching me. "Miku…" My voice was weak and raspy. "What happened? Is somebody sick?" Miku gave me a funny look and nodded with a gentle smile. "Yeah." Her voice was unusually soft. "Go back to sleep now."

I was then slowly starting to remember what had happened. I could vaguely remember crying and being really upset, and I could remember throwing up quite a bit. My throat still hurt slightly and I had a feeling of emptiness, and not because I had nothing in my stomach, but because of the hallucination I had of Len. I looked to my left, half-heartedly hoping to see Len lying there, but instead only saw an empty container next to my head. 'Probably in case I got sick again.' I figured and turned back to Miku. "I'm the sick one, huh?" I asked and Miku gave me another nod. "Yeah, you're sick. Now rest for a bit more. You've been through a lot."

"…And did you hear anything from Len?" I asked, ignoring her command for me to go to sleep, and her expression darkened with sadness. "No… Nothing." She breathed out, shaking her head in dismay. "Now, please… Be quiet will ya, honey? Just go back to sleep and don't worry about a thing." She pushed my hair back and brushed my cheek with her hand. I looked up at her and realized how completely exhausted she looked. She must've been sitting there for a while. I had no idea what time it was, but I was tired too. I nodded and this time obeyed her and closed my heavy eyes to go to sleep.


End file.
